Developing Emotional Stability thru ACA

I've always struggled with being emotionally stable.

I want to have grace with myself though and acknowledge the fact that I've come a long way.

I've noticed that he ups and downs in life really have their way with me and I've been wanting to develop a solid foundation of self-love and self-worth for myself so I can have more resilience during tough times.

I've been attending ACA meetings.

ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholic's & Dysfunctional Families)

is a support group for adults who feel they often behave like children :)

For example,

I often struggle to communicate my emotions to people I care about.

I simply haven't developed the skills necessary to communicate emotions

(Especially if I perceive them to be overwhelming & uncomfortable.)

In the past, I would numb out with alcohol..

I would chase the feeling of being black out drunk because the anxiety, stress, feelings of inadequacy, etc... were too much to bear and man it felt great to be rid of them for a while.

I'm learning that there are healthy ways to communicate feelings of inadequacy, stress, doubt, fear, etc... and that it is natural to feel this way.

ACA provides a basic structure for "being your own loving parent" as well.

The purpose of this is to provide yourself with the attention, love, & support that is necessary to hold yourself through the inevitable discomfort that you will encounter throughout life.

The structure of ACA:

The Inner Child: The inner child to my understanding is the part of you that intuitively has feelings, wants, desires, needs, fears that do not need to be explained. It is the part of you that enjoys long walks, laughing with close friends, jamming out to your favorite song, playing your favorite game, watching your favorite movie, and is a bit scared of the dark :)

It is the part of you that never grew up, never will, and doesn't need to.

The Critical Parent: The critical parent is the part of you that you created in childhood because your needs weren't met in one way or another. It is the part of you that was hurt. It was hurt so many times that it became convinced that the only way to relieve that pain, receive affection and consistently be loved by the world, was to become something else. It's the part of you that believes your biceps aren't big enough, or that your waist is too big, or that you need a certain college degree or job position to be loved and acknowledged.

The critical parent is relentless in its efforts to make you worthy in the eyes of the world. It is acting from a place of love, and once we can truly see this, we can draw value from the cruel and brutal messages of our critical parent.

Reframing the Critical Parent: The critical parent's messages have value. Although it isn't inherently true that having a prestigious job or a sexy body will bring you happiness. It is true that having a nice body could attract a partner that you are attracted to, and hey that sounds pretty nice ;) And having a prestigious job can make you feel respected and valued in the world and can lead to you living a more stable and secure life and having more options for yourself.

This is where the Loving Parent comes in :)

The Loving Parent: The loving parent is also known as your Higher Self and is a part of us that we can develop to reparent our inner child. It is important that we do this because our Critical Parent is often running our lives.

• It gets us to the gym by shaming us and saying that "You will not be loved if you are not attractive and in good shape."

• It gets us to work because "You are only as valuable as the job position that you have."

• It encourages you to fire off questions to the people you're surrounded by because "they will not love you if you aren't an engaging conversationalist!"
  

These are just a few ways my critical parent talks to me.

The Loving Parent however knows that these messages are not true.

The Loving Parent knows that you have inherent value and loves and respects you.

So.. the Loving Parent extracts the value from these messages and delivers them in a loving way that serves you.

• "You love feeling happy and healthy in your body! Let's go move today and reap the physical and mental benefits of our efforts in the gym!"

• "I want you to feel stable and secure. I also want you to pursue something that is meaningful to you and benefits the world, so let's work towards a job position that checks off these boxes."

• "I want to engage and connect with the people around me and create deeper relationships, so how could you engage with this person and learn more about them?"

Extracting the value from the messages of the critical parent is very important.

Another aspect of developing the Loving Parent is using Affirmations.

Affirmations I love using are:

"You are so strong."

"You are enough."

"Deep breaths.. I got you."

"I love you so much."

"No matter what.. I love you."

"What do you need?"

"How can I give it to you?"

The purpose of the Loving Parent is to create a support system within yourself, so you no longer need the validation (which if you think about it, is a support system in itself) from the external world.

It's not about Zenning Out, meditating all day and becoming love or something like that. It's about exploring those critical messages to figure out where in your life you need to be investing in (people, your career, relationships, family, hobbies, interests) in order to bring YOU satisfaction.

Your critical parent has been making an effort to fulfill your needs and has simply been doing it in the wrong way and it's been having a negative effect on your life.

:) Real quick.. I just interviewed for a job.. I'm sitting in the lobby of the place I applied and the person who interviewed me is working at the front. I'm fixing to leave and obviously want to make a good impression because he is considering me for a position.

My Critical Parent is saying:

"You need to be kind and friendly when you walk away or else he'll think you're an unsocial prick and he will not hire you."

How can my Loving Parent reframe this message I wonder? Hmm

"This job position matters to you. The views of this man could affect you getting hired or not. It is also important to you that are authentic as you don't want to strain yourself by being someone you are not. Hmm, I think a kind wave would suffice bud. You're doing great. I love you."

I'm going to make an effort to set aside time when I notice the messages of my critical parent in the future.

I have faith that in time, this will become a natural process for me and become my natural inner dialogue.